LET'S SAVE KENYA BEFORE DAWN

We suffer from selective amnesia and just a few years down the devastating post-election violence, Kenya has degenerated to the same divisive politics that saw the country up in flames. We are quick to break down the competitive national politics into an ethnic crisis, without the awareness that we are gradually but progressively flushing our country down the toilet. How many more lives, rape cases and internal displacements will it take for us to realize that election-related violence makes life a constant process of adapting to basic insecurity?

Besides the men and women that bear the brunt of violence, every aspect of human existence is threatened, right from food security to economic progression. War has never been and will never be a groundwork for courage and virtue because such is similar to confusing debauchery for love. Kenya enjoyed the comfort of homogeneity at some point in history but when it comes to the proverbial fool that never learns from history, Kenyans are the worst of the lot. 

Our leaders have doubled their efforts to gain fame, forfeiting the aim of uniting the nation. They forget that the love of fame is absolute vanity and a representation of immature leadership ideologies. If you are not a targeted victim, be assured of being an affected bystander in an instance where you are the vessel used to spread the ethnic tensions that are already building up. If you were lucky enough in 2007, at least learn from the neighborhood. 

The political regime in South Sudan pitted two major communities against each other and violence ensued. Massive population displacements and gang brutality made headlines. Until today, famine and other forms of humanitarian crises rock several parts of the country. Political institutions literally crushed while ethnic groups became stronger. South Sudan nationals hoped that independence would offer a new path to development and peace but civil wars are always tragic. The people that had constantly fled minor wars in the country once again packed to seek asylum elsewhere, Kenya included. 

In the Democratic Republic of Congo, violence surged across the entire country as militias slaughtered innocent citizens due to political interests. Kenyans are wise enough to shun the Kabila and Museveni antiques but it all goes to waste unless we have each other’s backs. Maize flour shelves are empty at the moment, ask yourself what will happen if Kenya retracts to 2007. I do not intend to open up fresh wounds but to remind us that we are going down the wrong lane.

Spreading leaflets aimed at sparking ethnic violence is an act of naivety and lack of purpose in life. Let our leaders argue senselessly but have it in mind that it is the power of your vote that will change the dynamics of national politics in this country. As one philosopher says, happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experiment. Watch out, lest you flush our country down the toilet and this is definitely a one-way road.

Valentine's vs Fools day

Let us clear the air from the outset. Before you detach the thoughtless mandibles, be informed that am not one of the frustrated single jerks. I have a series of girlfriends, of all sizes, shapes and colors. I am the typical fisi with a catalogue of girlfriends that I must update each day. This variety notwithstanding, I find no value in Valentine’s Day. The only difference between this day and fools’ day is the name.

For those in the love hype, I must admit that you are purposeless in life, shortsighted and retarted when it comes to cognitive ability. Love is a human ideal developed by realists to please the only mistake that heaven had to make in the course of the creation narrative-creating a woman. This is a consumerist day that gives the feminine gender an opportunity to trump upon a man’s ego. If you cannot afford a bunch of roses and some candy, boy, get a rope.

What is it in flowers that I see atop every casket in all the funerals that I have attended? Women and the devil are inseparable! Love dies and so do the roses! Why can’t you opt to please your ego rather than one ungrateful idol that is manipulative, deceptive and life-threatening?

What is the significance of red anyway? I once thought it is associated with danger, unless some idiot enlightens me. Why should I love you on February 14th when we had a sexual contract ending immediately after the New Year? Love is a contractual phenomenon these days and woe unto the uninformed jerk that invests his emotional being in one thong!

A lady’s status automatically drifts to ‘single’ when the number of sexual partners drops below two digits. Given an opportunity, I’d kill all the bellied sponsors and sensitize sensible men to think with their upper heads rather than the lower ones. With such a move, help me count the number of suicidal ideations that will emerge. I rest my case!

THE HEAVENLY REVELATION

Dear men, what I am penning today is sanctified. It is heavenly. A word inspired by the manly spirit. The 11^th commandment that God ought to have given to Moses.  Read it, rehearse, it, make it a refrain, sear it into your corrupt short term memory, pass it onto your children if at all they will be yours and ponder upon it before she lures you with the immoral lingerie. This word has no overdose, the more you read, the happier life you lead!

There is a price for every woman that you let into your life, and the only essential question is whether you are willing and capable of paying the price.  Why should a controllable passion bring you to your knees? They control the market, now control the price. Let them speak with their nudity, speak with your wallets. Isn’t it commercial of late?

Before you trust a woman, it will take five years of marriage, two years of engagement and another two years of supremacy battles. Only then will you realize that you have a cocktail of children in the house. Upon a closer DNA look, even the last born with a similar nose has nothing genetically-related to your make-up.

It is amazing to note how they conceal their intent. Yesterday she was out to attend a family gathering, right? I bet it was very true. But on her way home she shared the little cash crop with his long-lost EX. Do you have any idea? Not at all because you are sited on the couch, legs stretched with only two things that you own in this world! Your balls and your words! Innocent as you may be, the world and the women in it will never be just, trustworthy or even HUMAN!!! The more affection that you show, the greater the pressure with which she trumps upon your dreams. Let your wallets grow pale and you will realize that Delilah was not just a Philistine harlot.

THE BEAUTY OF HAVING WOMEN AROUND

Did man’s predicament begin with the creation narrative? Could Eve’s creation be the only poor decision that heaven had to make? I am a staunch Christian that is never meant to question any aspect of human existence but come to think of it; Starting with Eve and ending with Mary the groupie that Jesus himself walked with, between the verses you will find the intriguing evil plans and deceptions propagated by Jezebel, Delilah, Salome, Lot’s wife and Potiphar’s wife. 

And so it came to pass that as men progressively became dogs, millennial ladies turned into bones that could be picked and dropped anywhere across the road without objection. Is it because they discovered that their nakedness can be commercialized? Well, it is a matter of time before men wake up too. As it stands, a good car turns me on at the expense of a naked woman and I know a couple of men that have had heartaches in their desire to understand the feminine characters.

The only time when a woman will truly be understood is when her beauty prime has faded, teats have fallen slack and hips have tilted like the earth’s axis. Only then will she remember the guy with a six-inch that she dumped for a two-inched sponsor. What is it with women even in an age where men have totally transformed?

The rate at which men turned androgynous was predictive of a diminishing marriage institution. How could a man raised to compete and be aggressive fall so low as to take feminine roles in the pretext of being romantic and caring? Women progressively refused to be yoked into marriage and at the same time, desperate and dying cougars were seriously dishing out a share of their wealth for a taste of younger blood. Girls as young as 17 acquired a sense of wealth and considered men subordinate.

We live in a generation where all that men have is their word and perhaps their two balls for those that are lucky to come from anywhere in Kenya but Nyeri. Show a 22-year old lady all the romance and care that she needs but brother, she will walk away as though you were a simple billboard to be read and left by the roadside. 

Nature has an interesting way of bringing them back though; wait until wrinkles disfigure the eyebrow line. Watch out for that moment when in long undergarments, she will be struggling to cover the network of stretch marks. Be patient enough to testify against the inability of a padded bra to support her overweight glands. Have I mentioned the moment when an expensive cosmetic closet makes her appear as though she had a terribly-administered Botox injection?

If you understand what I mean, this is the only time when a woman will respect you for your two testicles. She will make it her duty to call every evening. Her phone will be yours even when it has no game that you can play. Leave a blue tick to her Whatsapp message and she will start fidgeting. The cubed cart-pusher that she cheated on you with would be happily married to a class 8 dropout by then. 93 % of her sponsors would already have succumbed to lifestyle illness and the remaining 7% cannot afford a round of rodeo. Her less-attractive peers that she despised would already be raising a family. And this is the moment when you will get a true picture of the real helper that God conceptualized before taking Adam’s rib. 

A conclusion will perhaps be vulgar. So never struggle to understand a woman. Especially the modern-day woman.